- Dec 8, 2019
- Reaction score
**Trigger warning**Most of you know I was a fire lieutenant for 29 years on an engine company, some know I got hit by a van and thrown 47 feet to end my career, a few ( @jan, @Kennedy?) know I have ptsd and tbi from the injuries. Which all led me to mturk and my pending PhD at Johns Hopkins and my recent surgeries. I grew up in NYC, was a medic there before I joined the FD out here in OH - my brother was a NYC on 9/11 and was missing for several hours. I was called in on 9/11 and worked it out here. Worst day I've had on the FD. then I was detailed to Ohio Task Force 1 to spend 2 weeks at ground zero searching the pile for bodies. We knew it was gonna be bad b/c they just asked for cadaver dogs, not live search dogs. Biggest thing we found in 10 days was a pinky.
I'm tired of seeing mangled body parts stuck in places they shouldn't be. I'm tired of pulling out dead kids from fires. Lemme tell ya, you pull out a burnt kid from fire, your day just goes downhill from there.
So I don't mind blood and guts and dead bodies. I do mind 9/11 reminders, dead kids, and child molestation. I still have nightmares and wake up with my shirt drenched in sweat. thankfully I have an understanding gf It's always hard this time of year - I lost several buddies on FDNY on 9/11. We finally went to the 9/11 memorial two years ago - I figured out where my team searched. I just broke drown and cried. My gf has pics of me kneeling by the pool in the moonlight, one of these days I may even let her publish it.
So no, I don't like to do hits that might be intrusive. They haven't been through what I have. Only brother firefighters, some big city cops, and combat vets.
Sorry for the rant - this is a bad time of year for me. But thx for listening.
Thanks for your service!!!! First responders and the fire department are true heroes! I can't imagine doing it for years.
My family was in ~10 miles from Chennai in 2004, and they burned bodies of the unclaimed dead to prevent the spread of disease. That smell is burned into my memory, as a teenager. I couldn't eat meat for months. I can't fathom doing it for multiple decades especially in incidents with children or anything involving 9/11.
I did not intend to trivialize your trauma. I was meant to clarify that, if, you were comfortable with discussing thoughts, the hit was a more objective approach, similar to therapy. "Did you think about X today?" approach vs. the reliving many requesters do for pennies. It's respectful and doesn't delve too deeply.
For me, talking about issues and thinking about why I think certain ways is part of the healing process. I lost both parents, and one brother all before turning 24. We all heal differently, and I 100% did not want to make you relive something so painful.
Stay strong and take care of yourself! Our thoughts are with you this holiday!