Hello fellow Ohio person, did you enjoy watching the Indians choke themselves out of yet another world series? I did, because you know your city is cursed when you make it to the WS 3-4 times in 20 -ish years and still manage to fuck it up.
Also, if you have lived in Columbus for any reasonable amount of time you won't need a knife; you already have a .38 special in your glove compartment. In which case, shoot the knees, it's not attempted murder if you knee cap them (shots above the waist are charged as attempted murder most times).